Archangel Ira's World of Erotic Massage
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Archangel Ira (Jordan Hoffman) demonstrates his massage techniques Jada Jennsen (Dara Shindler) in this orgasma-rific dramatization from Ultrachrist!
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Tucked away in heaven for so many centuries, I've forgotten the stresses of every day life here in The Land of the Humans. As the Patron Saint of Erotic Message it is not only my privilege but my duty to share with you the ancient and divine secrets of my craft.
As we all know, it is very easy for a woman to give a man a complete massuesorial experience. 79 cents worth of Jergen's ought to do the trick. But the woman, alas, is a more curious creature.
If you are a man who wants to give a woman a complete erotic message and time is not an issue, I would suggest:
Begin with a light dinner at a small, out of the way place. If you must go Continental, stay away from pasta.
A leisurely stroll in the direction of your place, but not obviously so. Remember, it is best to avoid walking down streets that smell of uncollected garbage -- even if it means going out of your way.
Keep the living room uncluttered by half-empty bags of Quaker cereal, anything Star Wars-related, or porn. Maxim counts as porn.
Have some framed postcards set up within eye view. Refer to them as your time shares.
Collect a bunch of oils and potions. The bottles can be empty, but as long as she sees that you at one point actually bought them, the muscles will start to relax. Do not buy any of the aforementioned oils in the Auto Parts section.
If you choose to play music, you must be sure not to play anything by anyone who is handsomer than you. A CD of Enrique Iglesias or any debonair black man is always risky. That's why it's always best to stick to Chopin or Beethoven. Those guys are long dead and probably had poor dental care anyway.
Now you are ready to give your message. And here's the trick. Less is More.
Let's say you don't know how to do anything. Let's say you are a complete putz. You wanna ruin this setting by applying all kinds of pressure in the wrong places? No! My suggestion to you is to barely touch her. This way at least she'll be impressed with your light and gentle hands.
Of course, if this doesn't work, a quick offering to me, your Patron Saint, is always an option. I'm easy to shop for. I've got a Wish List set up on Amazon.
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FROM THE YAK SHACK:
Subj: I hope you are not morons
Very idiotic movie. Instead of offeniding, respect would be better.
-- Robert
Feb 10, 2008 at 3:19PM
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