That's it. I've had it. Whereas before, it was just a "situation," or dubbed a "crisis" by political pundits, it has now progressed to a full-out war between Entertainment Weekly and me. Sides must be chosen, and lines must be drawn. If you are an EW ally, then you are my enemy--and I will smote you (once I check the definition of the word "smote"), if I see you in the streets.

Let's begin at the beginning, to see where my relationship with Entertainment Weakling--their new name!--went sour. Once upon a time there was a fresh-faced boy who ran to the newsstands, saw k.d. lang's wonderfully gender-neutral face on the cover of the premiere issue of a new entertainment magazine, and snatched it up. That magazine of course was Rolling Stone. Just kidding, it was EW.

This boy then subscribed for life. He held onto every single issue published, filed them chronologically on his bookcase, and referred to them frequently. Then he went off to college, and continued to receive his weekly entertainment fix--the one sure thing in the ever-lonely residence hall mailbox. Sure, his friends and family didn't care enough to write--but Owen Gleiberman and Ty Burr did every week!

Then the boy met a girl who collected magazines like . . . someone who collects stamps collects stamps. The boy allowed the girl to peruse (i.e. cut up and throw out) his entire EW collection to date; though she held onto any issue with references to Courtney Love, Madonna, or Michael Madsen. A small sacrifice for a great girl, this boy thought.

The boy and girl moved to Boston, and continued to receive Entertainment Weakling in the mail. She--the magazine fanatic--took what she needed from each issue. He--the boy with the hour commute to work--faithfully read every issue cover to cover. His friends told him, "Hey, Chris Tyrrell (a name we'll use for the purposes of this article), why are you still reading that shit? Entertainment Weekly sucks, Chris Tyrrell." But I--I mean, he--no, I mean I would say, "hey, I like the magazine, alright? Back off."

And back off they did. But now, guess what? The fresh-faced boy has become a fresh-faced man, or at least a stale-faced boy, and he has been forced to take a good, hard look at Entertainment Weakling and the quality within its pages. And now, methinks it stinks like septic drinks.

The war began with a skirmish I like to call "The Skirmish Where Entertainment Weakling Ruined The Ending of The Sixth Sense For Me." Before I had had a chance to get to the theaters and see the suspense film phenomenon, Entertainment Weakling decided to do another one of their cutesy little sidebars about the new lingo in Hollywood. By the way, these are never based in any kind of truth, or entertaining at all, but because I read cover to cover, I always end up seeing them. Suffice to say, this particular sidebar blatantly detailed the surprise ending of The Sixth Sense, while it was still in theaters, and without any of their usual spoiler warnings. I was fucking livid.

Thankfully other people wrote in to complain, and I have since made contact with these people, who have assured me their support in the forthcoming battles. Hell, even an upstart publication like this one--LeisureSuit.net--knows better than to ruin the endings of movies (although I inadvertently read a Yak that spoiled the ending of Fight Club for me, but great pains were made to keep the info confidential).

About a month ago, I was reading EW's horseshitty wrap-up of 1999, where they declared "The Sopranos" as a top choice for entertainers of the year. Later, they listed "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" as another important entry. But the fact that "The Sopranos" beat out "Millionaire" pissed me off. Now, I've never watched either show--and I'm sure that I would love "The Sopranos" if I watched it--but you can't tell me that the critically acclaimed HBO show would beat out the nationwide-Regis-thon in any list but those of the critics. The truth is that "Millionaire," as depressing as this may be to those of us who lean towards the pop culture elite, had a much more far-reaching effect on our country than did the pay-cable-subscribers-only "Sopranos."

But this is the bullshit they do. They jam the magazine now with thousands of articles on Leo, and Tim Allen's new movie, and John Grisham's novel, and the Latin explosion in music, and boy bands, boy bands, boy bands. Yet they maintain their "street cred" by picking one critical darling and exploiting it. Hence the episode guides and countless covers focusing on "The Sopranos," "Buffy," and "The X-Files," back when they had less mainstream audiences. My problem with this is that it's still not too cutting edge, it's still overexposure, and it somehow justifies them spending the other 95% of each issue lauding the lovely Miss Julia Roberts.

Most recently, the event that pushed me over the edge was shortly after Details magazine gave LeisureSuit.net a very favorable write-up (in their December issue). We were on the map, to be sure, but I thought I'd mention this to Entertainment Weakling, who seemingly reviews "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" web sites in every issue, in their paltry Internet section. I urged them to check us out--that Details thought we were the hip new thing--and I was interested in seeing what they had to say. No response until . . .

I open issue #522/523, a few weeks later--another one of their Special Double Issues! Which means: we at Entertainment Weakling want to take a week off of writing, because our hands are still sore from toiling over that in-depth look at the Dixie Chicks; and our brains are too taxed after having to give the video release of The 13th Warrior a B+, hoping that no one remembers that when it was in theaters we gave it an A. So they're taking a week off, fine.

So I'm thumbing through the pages, jumping first to the Internet section, where I see Sarah Michelle Gellar's fat face again, and I think, "Well, I guess they still haven't decided to take a look at LeisureSuit.net yet. But they're busy coming up with creative new articles, so I'll cut them some slack." I turn to page 14, and see in the top right corner a little "funny" list they've comprised called "The Best of the 21st Century." It begins: Here at EW we like to keep ahead of the competition. And with just 999 years left till Y3K, what better time to present "The Five Greatest Entertainment Events of the New Millennium . . . So Far?" Hmm, what better time, indeed? Oh, wait a minute . . . I just thought of a better time. How about two weeks ago, in the Jan. 3 issue of LeisureSuit.net: (click here to read it) Way to keep ahead of the competition, assholes.

They stole my bit. Plus they had two weeks more to work with, and they still used the same movie--"Fantasia 2000"--as the best film. And they didn't even really go anywhere with it. Whatever. That was the last straw. As you may have noticed: this time it's personal.

Let's take a step back and look at Entertainment Weakling, as it is today. They dumb down America (and we certainly don't need any help in that department) by turning everything into a letter grade. Don't get me wrong, I love not having to read an entire paragraph to quickly see whether I should bother catching the new James Bond film or not. Why, I might have wasted thirty seconds or more, feeding those sentences into my brain! I mock this idea, but I wholeheartedly have endorsed it for years.

Then let's see what they do review. Not much outside the realm of what their less intelligent (!) siblings People and US cover. And if I read another expose on country music or wrestling, I'm going to vomit until I need a suppository.

They've got Jim Mullen's idiotic Hot Sheet, and completely random Power Lists, and an utterly non-threatening middle-of-the-road voice. Yet it's taken me 523 issues to wise up. You see the problem?

Now I plan to be part of the solution. I declare a full-scale war between me and Entertainment Weakling. This isn't a LeisureSuit versus EW thing, mind you; we're talking one-on-one. I'm gonna kick it old school, because I was raised on the streets, and that's all I know. Entertainment Weakling better watch its widely circulated ass.

Here's what's gonna happen. If I see Entertainment Weakling in a bar, I'll walk right up and go, "what's up, whore?" Then Entertainment Weakling will probably say, "Oh, it's Chris Tyrrell. Please don't bother us, we're just trying to enjoy a beer." And I'll say, "Well, little bitch, you've been bothering me for years now, and I say we take this shit outside." See, I've got friends who've got my back, too, so we'll drag EW outside if we have to.

Then I'll rip the sleeves off my shirt and be like, "How do you like them guns, Weakling? Where's your firepower?" And Entertainment Weakling will be all, "Please, Chris Tyrrell, don't hurt us. We're just a friendly entertainment magazine." As they're saying that, I'll probably clock them right in the teeth, blood pouring out, and I'll bring my fist to my mouth and lick their blood. I'll say, "Gosh, Entertainment Weakling, the blood of pussies really does taste like victory."

After that, me and my posse are going to rip into Entertainment Weakling ninja-style, as they scream for mercy. Then we're going to kick their ribs until they admit that Sports Illustrated has more journalistic integrity. And then I'm gonna pick them up by their collar and look them dead in the face, saying, "You're never gonna be anything more than a little sucka chump. And if I had any decency left in me, I'd slit your throat right now and put you out of your misery. But I ain't gonna waste no more of my time on a little bitch like you." Then I'm gonna throw Entertainment Weakling to the ground and walk back into the bar, with my homeys, as if nothing happened.

And that's just the first in, what I imagine will be, a long series of battles between me and Entertainment Weakling. I got friends on the West Coast, and dudes that live underground. This war is just getting started. To Entertainment Weakling, I can only say, "you better mind the shadows, scumbag." 'Cause we're not gonna rest until we take down the head of your parent company, Ted Turner.

Oh, yeah. And Jane Fonda owed me a favor (saved her PR in 'Nam), so she's backing me up 120% in this war. Why else you think Barbarella split, homes?

Please drop me a line if you want to enlist in the war. God willing, we won't have to draft young men years from now, sending our babies to die. That would be such a shame, but we're willing to do whatever it takes to bring down this monster.

And me? I'm gonna keep subscribing to Entertainment Weakling. Partly because it's the only way to get inside the mind of the beast, and partly because I want to see what makes it onto their Spring Movie Preview.