The first time I heard Madonna's new album I didn't
even realize what the hell it was. My two upstairs
neighbors, Aaron, the latino choreographer, and his
boyfriend, Marc, the white accountant, where playing
it full blast in yet another to get Marc to dance.
Through my cheap Astoria ceiling, I could hear Aaron
chiding Marc: "Come on feel the music. I know you've
got rhythm, don't trying pulling that trick on me,
because I've got that number all right. Just feel the
goddamn music!"
And Madonna, who I didn't realize yet was Madonna, was
vamping it up, singing "Come on Mr. DJ, put a record,
I want to dance with my baby . . ."
And really, that is the way all of Madonna's music
should be introduced to the world. Gay men having fun
to a beat. And historically, this has been the way
Madonna has been introduced to the world, so it's
fitting this is how I first heard the album, and for
what it's worth, the new album is pretty okay.
Madonna does not exactly go into new territory with
this album, just a lot of snarky little dance songs,
made so that gorgeous gay men, like Aaron and Marc,
could let loose and have fun. Music follows
structure to a tee. "Impressive Instant" begs you to
crack out your roller skates and roller-discotheque
(you can almost smell the cheap smoke floating through
piss-and rose-colored strobelights). "Runaway Lover"
and "Amazing" are practically gay anthems, complete
with gender ambiguity and sexual innuendo as thick as
their electronica backgrounds. And anyone who has any
doubts about what I am talking about, I dare you to
listen to "What It Feels Like For A Girl" which
actually has the sentence "But secretly, you'd love to
know what it's like, wouldn't you, what it feels like
for a girl?" Hello? Do I have to bring out a puppet
show to illustrate my point any better.
"I Deserve It," which has been getting a lot of media
attention to showcasing Madonna's "raw voice" started
off as my least favorite track. For the most part it
sounds like a college girl's first attempt at a folk
song mated with the sound laser weapons in the future
will make (mark my words). But the more I listened to
it, the cuter it became. The folksier element of it
grows on you, which is the real talent of Madonna, her
ability to slowly seduce you and make you walk around
like a moron singing "This Used To Be My Playground"
despite your initial hacking dislike of its hokeyness.
The rest of the songs are like the really good filler
songs on some curious boy's mix tape: bizarre beats
mixed with unnervingly experimental voice and
electronics mixtures (sometimes I thought my CD player
was skipping in me, but that's just the
instrumentation). Pretty good, but not "wait wait, put
that song back on" good.
In the end, "Music" should have been a summer album,
background music for some whacked out b-b-que,
something fun and strange and different. But since
it's autumn, the album is best utilized the way Aaron
and Marc use it: dancing to even if you don't know how
to dance, laughing to even if you love Madonna, and
fucking to when all else falls.
Christ, why couldn't I have been born goddamn gay man
in New York City.
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