By Matt Johnson, Liam Gallagher, and Billy Corgan*
*Disclaimer: The following exchange of dialogue either truly occurred between these musical icons, or completely in the head of Chris Tyrrell.
|
|
BILLY CORGAN sips a cup of herbal tea in an
interstate IHOP, sitting across from MATT JOHNSON,
who is finishing off his third cup of black coffee.
BILLY CORGAN
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr.
Johnson.
MATT JOHNSON
(creepily)
The pleasure...is all...mine.
CORGAN
You’re ostensibly one of the most
influential and, tragically
underappreciated artists in the post
modern spectrum.
JOHNSON
"Cherub Rock" is kick ass.
CORGAN
Thank you. I just heard your new
album, "NakedSelf." It is
unquestionably a piece of...
LIAM GALLAGHER enters.
LIAM GALLAGHER
Shite.
JOHNSON
Pardon me?
GALLAGHER
Pardon you.
(To waitress)
Can I get some service here?!
CORGAN
(whispering to Johnson)
Don’t listen to him. He’s just being
Liam.
GALLAGHER
Somebody get me a goddamn cigarette.
Hey, Yul Brynner, got a smoke?
Billy and Matt look at each other, running their
respective hands over their respective bald heads.
JOHNSON
The only part of me that smokes is my
soul.
CORGAN
And I’m a vegan.
GALLAGHER
Well, then I’m fucked, I guess.
Liam slams his hand down on the table.
GALLAGHER
(cont’d)
I need a cigarette! Somebody!
No one responds. Liam reaches into the pockets in
his coat and produces a flask, and a pack of
cigarettes. He lights one up.
CORGAN
Anyway, Matt, I think "NakedSelf" is
terrific. It’s dark, cynical, and
full of the rock.
JOHNSON
To obtain maximum pleasure and effect
from the album, you must play it very
loud, very late, and very alone...and
with the lights turned very low!
CORGAN
Yeah. You know, you used that before.
With "Mind Bomb."
JOHNSON
Did I? Well...er...still true.
GALLAGHER
The funny thing is that shite is shite
no matter what volume you play it at.
JOHNSON
Do you have a problem with me, pretty
boy?
GALLAGHER
Fuck off, you fucker.
CORGAN
What a diverse vocabulary you have.
GALLAGHER
I just call ‘em like I see ‘em, you
dirty American piece of shit.
CORGAN
Anyway, despite what Ringo says, I
think your new album is a remarkable
achievement, Matt.
JOHNSON
Thank you.
CORGAN
I particularly love "SwineFever" and
"VoidyNumbness." If you ask me,
there’re your singles.
JOHNSON
I’m not interested in appealing to the
masses. My music is meant for the
lustful, and the lonely...
CORGAN
...and the heat is
rising—rising—slowly. You’ve used
that before too.
JOHNSON
So you liked "NakedSelf," then?
Anything you didn’t like about it?
GALLAGHER
Everything between the first and last
song. Including the first
and last songs.
(Laughs to himself)
CORGAN
I missed a little bit of the rocking.
I think this new one is much more akin
to "Soul Mining" than "Infected" or
"Dusk."
A bit slower, and more pensive--which
is good in its own right--but I love a
The The song you can bob your head to.
JOHNSON
Yes but is it evil enough for you?
CORGAN
Oh, majestically full of evil!
JOHNSON
That’s good.
GALLAGHER
You’ve sucked since Morrissey left the
band.
JOHNSON
Johnny Marr?
GALLAGHER
Whoever. You shouldn’t have let him
go.
JOHNSON
Johnny left to pursue other...
GALLAGHER
(singing)
"Girlfriend in a coma, da da da da..."
That’s the best The The song there is.
JOHNSON
That’s The Smiths.
GALLAGHER
Hmm. Well, good luck to you, mate.
CORGAN
So...Matt.
(Wincing)
And Liam. What did you think of
"MACHINA/the machines of God."
GALLAGHER
Thank God it’s not pretentious.
Gallagher takes a swig from his flask, and puts the
hood of his jacket over his head.
JOHNSON
It felt, to me, like a train running
on blood, charging forth to the next
railway station, shouting "full semen
ahead!"
CORGAN
Ew. Is that good?
JOHNSON
It’s what we all strive for. In our
souls.
CORGAN
Phew.
JOHNSON
It’s like a baby, being ripped from
the womb, and left to dance and dangle
from its cord, and of its own accord.
GALLAGHER
Somebody shoulda worn a rubber.
CORGAN
Did you find that "MACHINA"
transcended the emotional plateaus
upon which the Pumpkins had previously
only skated.
JOHNSON
Alright.
CORGAN
We were trying to diversify the sonic
shapes, not stick them in little
cells, but allow each to breathe on
their own. To sprout whatever wings
the heart could imagine, and fly to
the heavens of technology.
JOHNSON
Well, if you ask me, you’ve got a
couple singles in there.
CORGAN
Right. "Everlasting Gaze." "Stand
Inside Your Love."
JOHNSON
I enjoy "The Imploding Voice" as well.
Really they’re all Very good. Each
song does have its own unique flavour.
And yet, you know, each also has your
whiny, raspy voice and a lot of loud
guitars.
CORGAN
Is that a bad thing?
JOHNSON
Not in my book.
GALLAGHER
I think your new album is better than
"Melon Collie," but not quite as good
as "Siamese Dream," which was not
quite as good as "Gish," which was not
any good at all.
CORGAN
You’re an ass.
GALLAGHER
Maybe.
CORGAN
Well, what about your new album-
what’s it called?--"Gallagher: Melon
Crazy?"
GALLAGHER
"Standing on the Shoulder of Giants."
CORGAN
Right. And I’m pretentious.
GALLAGHER
It’s tongue-in-cheek, you whores.
JOHNSON
It’s gonna be fist-in-face if you
don’t watch your mouth.
GALLAGHER
Didn’t mean to rile up the senior
citizen. Do you need to take your
meds, Johnson?
CORGAN
Don’t pay any attention to him, Matt.
How did you like his album?
JOHNSON
Well, the music’s brilliant. Every
song is easily accessible, and fun,
and candy for the ears.
CORGAN
Hummable, danceable...
JOHNSON
Infectious.
CORGAN
Few singles in there.
GALLAGHER
You’re forgetting one thing.
CORGAN
What’s that?
GALLAGHER
It’s ten songs that are utterly shite.
JOHNSON
You think?
GALLAGHER
There’s nothing good about them. Noel
wrote them all. And he’s never
written a listenable song in his life.
CORGAN
What are you talking about? Noel is a
brilliant writer. And a brilliant
singer, to boot.
GALLAGHER
Don’t get me wrong, mates. We’re the
greatest fucking band in the history
of rock and roll. But this album,
like all our others, is pure shite.
JOHNSON
Then how are you the greatest?
CORGAN
I don’t think he’s worked that part
out yet.
JOHNSON
Well, what about the song you wrote-
"Little James." Is that shite too?
GALLAGHER
Much less shite-y than my brother’s
shite-filled songs, and yet still
absolutely worthless.
The only thing worth anything on our
albums is the lyrics.
JOHNSON
What, both of them?
GALLAGHER
What’s that?
JOHNSON
You’ve got about two words that you’ve
repeated, ad infinitum in every song
you’ve ever written. It’s always been
Oasis’ Achilles’ heel, and it is now
more than ever.
GALLAGHER
(beginning to pout)
You don’t like our lyrics?
CORGAN
No! Matt’s right. Musically, you
guys are terrific. But when it comes
to the words, you’ve got about two or
three different tricks, and they’re
not even up your sleeves.
GALLAGHER
But...but...
JOHNSON
There’s the good old Verse-Chorus
Verse, where the second verse is just
the first one repeated. That’s pretty
lame.
CORGAN
Or my favorite. The pronoun switcher.
Repeat the first verse, but just
change all the pronouns. You know,
that doesn’t count as a different
verse.
GALLAGHER
But it heightens the meaning, by
changing the focus!
JOHNSON
No it doesn’t. It’s lazy, simple
repetition.
Don’t get me wrong—you’ve got terrific
songs like "Go Let it Out," and "Gas
Panic!" and "Roll it Over" that are
poppy in all the right ways, and
anthemic, and highly grooveable.
CORGAN
But they’re all of the most minute
substance.
GALLAGHER
That’s just so mean to say! You
meanies!
JOHNSON
And why the fuck did you include the
best song, "Let’s All Make Believe" as
a B-side that comes with the album,
but on a separate disc?
GALLAGHER
Dunno.
CORGAN
Well, I think your album is a success,
anyway.
JOHNSON
Me too. Although I kept wishing every
song was going to magically become
"Don’t Look Back in Anger."
GALLAGHER
And I kept wishing every "MACHINA"
song would transform into "Disarm."
CORGAN
And I was hoping that each "NakedSelf"
song would all of a sudden be "Slow
Emotion Replay."
JOHNSON
Hmm. Well, I guess we’ve learned a
lot.
CORGAN
Yep. That we’ve all done better
before.
JOHNSON
But we’ve all done worse!
GALLAGHER
And along the way, we made some
friends.
Gallagher wraps his arms around Johnson and Corgan,
and then they all make sweet, sweet love, right in
the pancake house. And the song playing on the
radio? Color Me Badd’s "Dream On."
|
